Entry: walking in the dark builds character. Monday, October 29, 2007

Yesterday jer and I got into such a huge fight that when he silently dropped me off at the school I took off walking with no destination in mind, knowing only that I'd get as far as I could before someone stopped me.
I do that a lot. Move towards an away that isn't a direction as much as it is a concept.
An hour later I was in olympia, no longer mad, but cold and hurt and tired. I stopped at an albertsons and called him not only because I was realizing how terribly stupid it was for me to walk that far in the dark by myself to begin with, but because a while ago we made promises to never go to bed angry.
He came down, angry that I'd walked that far, and we sat in his car, uncomfortably silent. Not knowing where we'd come from, where we were. How we'd managed to come from an incredible time at the corn maze to screaming at eachother on I-5, to being angry enough to even think "well damnit, I'll show him/her".
We talked in stilted sentances, staring blankly at the stoplights that cycled their colors across the sidewalk and road from the car.
I hate fighting out loud.
I cannot process Anything in words alone. I need notebook paper, the safety of my keyboard, anything with a "you have to think before you talk" button. We started driving, angry again becuase I was having such a hard time talking.
I had a small mental breakdown, collapsing in tears, folding over, throwing up. Not really throwing up so much as dry heaves. Pork and beans don't stick around for too long, it appears.
Jer found me some paper. held my hair for me.
I don't know where we're going.
But I know we're going together.
Even though things are hard right now.
They'll get better.
Even though I think he'd have a better life with more opportunities without me, he still wants me and damn my selfishness, I'm not going to let go as long as he still loves me.
He thinks that he has to do something to make himself "worthy" of me. I don't know why anyone would even want to be around me. He says I make his life better, that I inspire him.
I guess then, my best effort is to make his life more than he ever dreamed, to be his muse and his encouragement.
We went to dairy queen after I stopped throwing up, he took care of me. We drove to the school parking lot and sat there for a while. His car got uncomfortable and we went into my room, laid on my bed all wrapped together and we fought and cried and held eachother some more.
It seems so unfair.
But even though right now we're slightly less than happy on average, it'll get better. We'll be ok.
I know this because we truly love one another. And each of us will truly sacrifice whatever we need to sacrifice to make this work.
I know this because without the other, neither of us exist.
Life isn't always rainbows, and butterflies- it's compromise that moves us along.
I will be his lawfully wedded wife....for richer, for poorer. In sickness, and in health. Through the good times and the bad. Wherever he leads, I'll follow. His people will be my people. Where he dies, there I'll fall and be buried as well. His dreams are my goals and my dreams are his goals.

This irrevocable bond I swear so long as we both shall live.

because I aint a quitta, yo.


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