Am I in heaven, on earth, or in hell?
Sleeping or waking?
Mad or well advised?
Known to all these, and yet to myself disguised?
I'll say as they say, and persevere so, and in this mist at all adventures go.

Monday, October 15, 2007
flustered panic: confessions of a button masher


So I finished that damn paper. Wrote up the sources and everything. Finished the bio lab, finished two chem labs, finished the math homework. Not all the way there on the Chem, but close enough. So I did homework from 7 pm friday till midnight, then from 11 am saturday to 3am, then from 10 am sunday to 9:30 pm. and I'd started the paper beforehand, so no sass about procrastination. Between working and sitting at the hospital, I think I did a damn fine job of getting everything done.
Jer wants to spend time with me, so I'm hoping our schedules correspond a little bit more. I'm still playing catch up with homework, I just decided that after three vacation days spent marathoning homework, I should take a break after 9:30 tonight. I have a math dance to put together, math homework, chem homework, and probably...a lab write up that I could do. Labs aren't due till the week after though, so it's usually a weekend thing. I need to do the second bio lab on monday too. It's not hard. Drawing pictures and typing stuff up. Just tedious and time consuming. You look at what's due and you think "Heck yes, only 5 problems out of the review" and then you look at the work and realize that problem 1 is actually a 13 part question where you have to define and give examples of each part.....
I hate it.
But I do enjoy learning.
But I need a long weekend that I actually have Off.
So I think I'm going to give myself one this next weekend. Prolly take friday off because it's my cake day anyways.
I was thinking about buying a pc game called portal...And then it started creeping me out. I think I'll have nightmares about children trapped in robots now. The first 15 levels are all just puzzles, sardonic dark humor, and patience testing. The 16th level...
I couldn't even finish it. the panic and the nausea were too bad. I said that I'd save and play later, but I don't know that I will. I don't tend to make a habit out of frightening myself to death, nor do I usually enjoy panic inducing situations.
On a lighter note, I played smash bros. today. Usually a game I enjoy, but not so much tonight. Told in no uncertain terms by my fighting partner that I sucked at the game (A two year playing streak doesn't count for much after four or five years, I know) that it wasn't any fun to play against me, and that I was annoying, I decided that I didn't want to play anymore.
I'm all for playing as long as people realize that it's just a freaking game. There are no consequences, you can Always stop, and it affects nothing in the end except for the friends that one has insulted and the self respect you lose. 
I never really get hooked on games. I was hooked on portal for 2 days...but during those two days, real live people would still have been my concern over the electronics. really.
Playing video games always makes me frusterated...
and hey! I'm a real live human being at twenty. If you explain it to me once, I get it. You don't have to tell me what the buttons are twice. If I ask you a specific question, I dont want Either the pat on the head or the going-to-china-to-get-to-new-york-explination. Just tell me the answer.
Sometimes I wish that technology didn't exist.
and then I realize that I wouldn't be able to be in near constant communication with jer and that I wouldn't be typing this right now...
And I grudgingly accept it.
My banner will still be:::
Damn the video games.

Posted at 01:21 am by obsidian
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Thursday, October 11, 2007
don't know anymore

Tuesday night I worked. Jer said he'd see me after work.
It took me longer to close than I thought it would. People at work talk to me a little bit. It lets me have something to do, a little.
When I got off, I called jer but he didn't answer. He does that, a good deal of the time. It could've been that he'd fallen asleep or that he was busy or that his phone was on silent...
I went to my apartment and grabbed a bag, my books, and a change of clothes. I planned to go clean the house for his mom and then sleep on the couch or something till class.
He wasn't at his house. So I called again. No answer.
So I went to the school, checked all of the parking lots, and couldn't find his car. I asked his brothers if there was a party that he might have gone to and had too much at. They told me he hadn't even gone to the meeting.
I panicked a little. He hangs out with them, with me, or at home, on the general basis. He would have called me, wouldn't he? If he was going somewhere else? Especially when he was supposed to see me?
I drove back to his house and knocked on his window. Maybe his car was elsewhere. Maybe he'd lent it, crashed it...
Maybe he'd crashed it. Maybe he was dead. I drove up to the school. I talked to more alphas. I went to ryan and ians room.
Hienrich was ready to go to the police station with me.  I briefly contemplated that he might be at his ex girlfriends. It's not terribly impossible, they're friends and even though I don't like the innuendo and the knowledge that she throws out I can't logically ask him to stop being friends with someone he's known for years. I tossed out to the boys that maybe he was with her. Maybe he'd ditched me for her.
They all shook their heads and said Naaaaah.
I left and searched the parking lots again. I drove to his house. I drove to steves house. I drove through the theater parking lot . I drove neighborhoods. I drove 26 miles, searching basically for a parked or burning orange rio5.
I was so tired that I couldn't focus. I drove back to the school.
Mallory was up getting a drink of water and she gave me a hug.
I called jer about 150 more times.
I paced my room.
I started cleaning things.
I called jer.
I paced.
I cried.
And then, at 2 oclock he called me.
Sorry I missed all your calls, my phone was in my car.
I fell asleep at nikki's.

He came over. I'm so hurt and angry. He cried.
I want to believe him, that nothing happened. But with society the way it is, and knowing that I haven't been keeping his bed warm....
I just.
So many doubts.

He brought my cat and roses to school the next day. There was a rose tucked under my windshield wiper after I got off work. He's been really apologetic.
I'm still hurt. I don't know what to believe. I don't know what to do.

Today I went with his family to base and Judi and I were talking wedding plans which somehow turned to bachelor party plans. Strippers and naked ladies. I'm so uncomfortable with that. I told him I want it to be a men only event and he kept swearing looking only, no touching.

Am I not enough? Not pretty enough? Not giving him enough? am I really so unreasonable?
Am I wrong to keep him in a relationship that is obviously not fulfilling for him? Am I wrong for trying to believe him?
I'm just so hurt, and so angry, and I'm trying to remind myself that love is never jealous, that it doesn't keep a record of wrongs
And I don't know.
I just don't know anymore.

How do I get over this? How does this get alright again? How can I be ok?

Posted at 10:45 am by obsidian
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Monday, October 08, 2007
Thatís what happens when people you love get run over by trucks.

Onfriday afternoon, my plan for the weekend looked something like this :We would pick up kaitlyn yancy, drive back here, and have a party. There would be a breaking in of shot glasses. We would play board games and kings corners. Saturday I was going to go grocery shopping, homework, thank you notes and grandparent calls. I was going to go to bed early on saturday night so that I could wake with the first light (well, the college first light) to prepare for my interview at noon.
All was going as planned. Andryan and I sat in the back of Mallory's car listening to how much Yancy hates children as we happily drove back from centralia and thought about impending partying and dinner. Then my phone rang.
I answered it to hear a nervous teenager telling me that he couldn't get through to jerith and that their dad had been in a motorcycle accident. I told joe that I'd go to jer's work and get him, told joe to keep calling jer and then numbly cut the conversation down as I asked mallory to take the Pacific Ave exit rather than the College St exit. We pulled into taco time. I walked inside, Jer was already getting ready to leave. We walked out as his mom pulled into the lot. I told Mallory that I was leaving with the Harts and was loaded into the truck.
We drove.
Any road extends and grows darker as you head to a trauma center where you're not sure what the end result is.
We went to Ft. Lewis. Our ID cards were handed over at the gate and scrutinized by a completely average white male who seemed to have no concern for the situation. The posted speed limit inhibited us at 15 miles an hour.
We walked into emergency hours or minutes later. The receptionist told us that the chaplain was waiting to talk to us and Sgt. Hart lost it. There's nothing quite as demoralizing as a strong adult woman breaking into tears.
We were escorted into emergency trauma ward by a nearly 7 ft chaplain in camoflauge. He assured us that Calvin really was alive.
By 9pm Jer and Judi had seen Calvin. They told me about his bloody face, the scrapes on his arms and his malevolent broken leg.
I waited in the hall.
I went in, eventually, when most of the emergency personell had cleared out. We were moved to the ICU East waiting room as Calvin was moved to OR for some sort of surgery that I can't spell and can barely say. During the course of our four hour wait, a 33mm by 10mm rod and multiple screws were inserted into his left leg. Pressure was released from his leg.
I was freezing. Dressed as I was for a warm people filled drive, sitting in a waiting room that was kept at 47 degrees F chilled me to near hypothermia. Eventually Jer went out to the truck to ferret out any sort of warm clothing that might be stashed there. I ended up wearing the sweatpants that Judi had brought for calvin. It was obvious that he was not going home soon.
I wore the extra pants and a jacket and curled next to jer. His mom wore a track jacket and an extra shirt. Jer shivered.
At around 5:30 am after Calvin had surfaced from surgery and had been moved to ICU West, after his mom had settled into the uncomfortable plastic chairs, we started driving home. We ate at Denney's, because staying up for more than 24 hours and not eating in 15 had started to affect me pretty badly. Then we drove to jer's house and he paced his living room till seven, when he could call work and tell them he wasn't going to be in. I folded laundry and put it away, and played with felix to stave off the fuzzy edges of rest.
When we finally went to bed at 7:05, we slept like the dead until 8 am, when jer's uncle called. Then we slept till 9, when other family called. Then till 10, when family called...
At noon we just got up. Took quick showers. Drove to my apartment so that I could get warm clothes. Went back to ICU. Sat there for a good long time. Tried to collect Calvin's things from the Graham Fire dept and the Pierce County police. Nothing was open.
Jer and I fought from stress, from culminating loss of time together, from old hurt, from new trials. I cried. At one point I got out of the car and started walking. I'm not sure how I would have made it the thirty + miles to Lacey. We made up. He dropped me off at my apartment. Mallory gave me a hug. We went for icecream.
I slept.
But only for a while.
I got up, ironed my clothes and showered. I dressed nicely for my interview. Jer picked me up and we drove out to northwest trek.
3 hours later, I have an internship with free housing.
I celebrated.
But only quietly, so as to not disturb the grieving and pain that comes from dealing with superdad lying nearly comatose in bed, asking for help to turn over and to eat pudding.
We went back to the hospital. I took a nap, today. In not-ICU, they have cushioned chairs for guests. We stayed till nearly ten before driving back...
Only to find that my kitchen has been shrimpifyed and I can't eat there till tomorrow afternoon. Lackaday, lackaday....
Anyways. Now I'm doing my homework and wishing I was asleep, and also wishing that I had gotten to eat dinner.
In a possibly coming soon edition
*how to get on army base as a civilian and how much of a pain in the ass it is
*What kind of ice cream to eat when you feel lower than a slug
*the importance of keys to zookeepers
*the most beautiful valley I've ever seen
*how firefighters handle clothing on injured men and the condition of the clothes afterwards (just buy new ones, folks)
*the extent of injuries and medical terminology

Posted at 12:08 am by obsidian
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Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Ruby Tuesdays

So last night at work on a Ruby Tuesday standard notebook with a pen apparently gypped off of a construction company, I made a list of pros and cons dealing with working at Ruby Tuesdays
It looked something like this
getting paid
Not doing job applied for
Hate Uniform
Can't take pride in work
It makes my friends sick if they eat here
Hate enviroment
Hate how I'm treated
Hate hours

So. I'm going to quit. I'm not sure when.  But I'm going to. Cuz I hate this job.

Posted at 04:08 pm by obsidian
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Monday, October 01, 2007

Guess what I'm writing this on.
A keyboard.
One that has a backspace key.
So ...
I got a new computer!
My parents came up for my birthday yesterday, which was fantastic. I've reached the point in my life that it makes me really sad that I can't live with them forever.
My little sister crocheted me a blanket. It's nice and warm and huge. Mallory knitted me arm warmers. They're so fantastic I had to create an outfit around them today.
I got a  lot of neat stuff yesterday, actually.
And TONS of cake. There's probably enough left to serve 10 people. So if you want cake, come over because after I finish this last piece of cheesecake, I am back on a diet. Officially.
I'm going to go work out later. but tonight, I'm going over to jer's house because his mom is getting rid of a lot of her cookware and if I don't take it it's going to goodwill. So I'm rescueing it.  Plus I haven't seen her in forever. And mother-in-law relationships are important. I don't want to go through what my mom did, I don't want to deal with what my parents did. I want everyone to be happy.

Also tonight----Wicked Jam Session Of Doom! I think I'll jam on piano and vocals tonight. Andryan plays guitar, mallory's learning the drums, ryan plays piano and clarinet, matt plays's a good group. I'll probably grab my violin too. Just in case we need to jam with a violin.
It'll totally be heard over electric guitar...
I may come up with some lyrics. I've been playing with ideas. Maybe I'll take icharus a new direction, since I never see/hear from blake or dugger.
Maybe I'll write about the stuff that is actually bothering me, since that's what I used to do. 
I'm excited. Music is my unwind button.
I've been so stressed out.
I still am, really. But I'm working on managing it better.

Posted at 06:31 pm by obsidian
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Thursday, September 27, 2007
skitzophrenia?! not again...

I feel so jangly like a downed electric wire sparking into puddles and rubber. Alternately, I walk and then sit and then pace and then click and then I give up and tug on my hair. I'm not getting anything done, it's clear. It doesn't make sense.
So much to do. Pressure. Illness. Tired, sick, want to finish my book, plans changed.
Want to ride the pony to the moon. Don't have a pony, too cloudy to see the moon.
Tomorrow though. it'll all be ok tomorrow. Tomorrow is my cake day. I'll clean and do homework.
It'll be ok.
I'll be ok.

Posted at 10:54 pm by obsidian
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stream o consciousness

I'm listening to whispered (or spoken) sweet nothings on the other side of the wall. It's sweet. I wonder if jer and I sound like this.
Then I realize I'm a creep.
A creep by distance necessity, but a creep nonetheless.
My back is spasming again, but all of my muscle relaxers are gone.
A thread of pain is winding through my eye and then back down to the medulla, then up again, but my super meds are gone.
I think I may throw up.
I used to have a little cold. It made my throat sore and my nose runny. it was making itself comfortable in my lungs. Then my little cold and jer's little cold met up and became SUPERcold. I was dragging so bad at work today. I kept going over the logistics of what would happen if I threw up, because legally I couldn't work while vomitting, should have called in sick, but didn't and would have had to be sent home.
I need to take a shower.
It's too awkward turtle in here though. what with being too hyped up to sleep and too tired to stand, and knowing that a boy could mistakenly wander into the bathroom. and that someone other than mallory would hear me sing in the shower.
Do I have a sinus headache? I can't really tell, my whole head hurts. Maybe I should have the sudafed though.
I sound like I have whooping cough. All gasps and nonsense.
drew ottley died last year from meningacoccal. I keep thinking about that and then about me and then I think "Gosh, this doesn't matter at all. What the hell am I doing?" and then I try to fix my prioritys.
they've been pretty screwed up, of late.
I'm sorry.

Posted at 12:10 am by obsidian
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Tuesday, September 25, 2007
working title

I am:
(according to myself)
*currently whittling away what little time I have to write up my bio lab
(according to RA's)
*Full of bitchy problems and probably drunk anyway
(according to the ice princess on her Mean throne)
*short and unnattractive
(according to my teachers)
* a delight to have in the classroom
(according to my sorority)
*a little bit different, but ok, anyways
(according to jerith)

I Feel:
(according to myself)
* like tearing my skin off, like throwing up, like hiding in the dark
(according to the RA's)
(according to the ice princess on her mean throne)
(according to my teachers)
*extremely empathically
(according to my sorority)
*like I really care
(according to jerith)
*like silk, like treasure

I Think:
(according to myself)
*that I'm worthless
(according to the RA's)
*about getting drunk
(according to the ice princess on her mean throne)
*that I'm better than where I come from
(according to my teachers)
(according to my sorority)
*about nothing
(according to jerith)
*about the universe and other smart things, about kindness and goodness and wonderfullness.

Basically, that tells me that not even I have the faith in me that jer does. I need to be better to that kid.
Also, that tells me that I can't trust the judgement of just about everyone else.
I need to stop paying attention to the little things.
It's true.

But I do.

Posted at 02:20 pm by obsidian
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Sunday, September 23, 2007

I've got to be the world's crappiest girlfriend.
No really.
So, jer and I mutually decided to wait until we were married to have sex.
But basically it's worked out to me cutting him off.
Or at least that's how it sounds to him.
And so he's frusterated.
and I can't give him what he needs/wants without dishonouring myself and being disowned.
And every time he catches that sad sad look on my face he swears its not important, that he's more than willing to wait
And every time he has to say that I feel like I've utterly failed him.

Posted at 10:31 pm by obsidian
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Friday, September 14, 2007
breakins and theivery

so, besides the fact that this living situation is completely intolerable and the school isn't even trying to do anything about it, last night while I was sleeping someone came in and moved things around. The last few days, actually, I've been coming back to find that my computer says different things than it should, the sign in names are different than mine, its on a website I haven't gone to...
My iron magically moved from the top of my cupboard to the floor without me hearing a thing. My credit card was flipped over. My address book was on the wrong side of the floor and my loose addresses were scattered.
Security and Reslife have basically told me that's worrying, but not to do anything.
Fuck that, I say. Jer and I went and got some stuff to keep the bathroom door locked tight (even when I dont want it to be). We braced the windows so that they wont open.
If there's a fire in here, I'm screwed. My dad is Pissed, and wants to drive up and install a lock ( a real one) on the door.
so, that's how the day's going

But I got birthday week shopping done

Posted at 04:36 pm by obsidian
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Name: Alicia
Hometown: McMinnville
Status: disillusioned

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