Am I in heaven, on earth, or in hell?
Sleeping or waking?
Mad or well advised?
Known to all these, and yet to myself disguised?
I'll say as they say, and persevere so, and in this mist at all adventures go.

Saturday, November 17, 2007
all good things must come to an end.

hello all,
granted the complete lack of any sort of response this gets, I've decided to stop dual updating. Up until a couple of weeks ago, I wrote on myspace and copy pasted to blogdrive.
I get only maybe a hit a week over here, so I refer anyone who might have once been interested to the-easier-to update version-
Perhaps I'll see you over there. If chaos ensues and someone decides to talk to me over here, I may or may not continue the blogdrive.

Posted at 04:34 pm by obsidian
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Friday, November 09, 2007

I've been feeling kind of listless. I don't know what to say. My homework is neglected, I can't seem to have a meaningful conversation. I know life is exciting and fun and that I'm going to look back on this as one of the best years of my life...but right now, I just feel kind of grey.

Posted at 10:46 pm by obsidian
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Wednesday, November 07, 2007
shiny objects attract me

This morning, waking up next to jer (I've been staying over there to give him Some sense of stability) I thought "Hot damn, I'm the luckiest girl in the world. I get to do this for the rest of my life"
And then I started a list of things that I'm super excited for, starting with thanksgiving. I get to take my new family to hang out with my parental family at my mom's best friends house. I can't wait to show them off, to introduce jer around to the family (amy's) who taught me how to bottle feed a calf and put me on a bull named "jumper" because I really wanted to ride one. I also want to go around to farms and bed and breakfasts that weekend and look for wedding locations, since the perfect one was 8,000 dollars and they didn't even bother to answer me back when I said that was way out of my price range. I'm thinking the springbrook hazelnut farm, or somethin like that.
I can't wait to get married, I'm so excited by the planning and the magazines that come and all that business. Life is simpler, actually, now that judy isn't telling me who I have to invite from their side. Jerith doesn't even know a quarter of the people she was trying to invite. She'd tried to invite something like 150 people on her side. Now I have my planning all back to myself, and you know what, it doesn't really matter if things dont go right, because I'll have the right man at the alter.
I'm so excited to work at northwest trek as well, it's going to count as credit for my major and I got a new advisor for my school work and she's actually going to help me put together a plan on how I'm going to graduate on time and everything. 
I'm so excited for srping break, when I'm going to help gramma and grandpa clean out their attic, and I'll get to take what I want for my new house that I'm going to live in with jer and the gang
I'm just so excited. Even with all the crap that's going on, the future is so bright, so promising, that I can't look away.

Posted at 08:22 am by obsidian
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Monday, November 05, 2007
the sequal. (or, the extended version)

so, it's eight in the morning, I've got free time, and since I can't get back to sleep I figured I'd recap the weekend

Saturday: went to allbrights philosophy class. Currently held in the burton addition on saturdays because ,despite the fact that allbright has a degree in bio ethics from yale, the school has told him he's not qualified to teach this class that he's been teaching for two years and so allbright quit but is still fulfilling his duty to his students.
Discussed aquinus's 4 rules for an offensive just war, and his theories on just management, then we discussed several wars and then the validity of insurgency. realized that I would be an insurgent in many situations.
went back to my room for an afternoon of debauchery or homework, then got a call from jer's dad, looking for jer.
Jer's mom, upon waking and finding a bit of a mess in the kitchen, because joe had a friend over and they were cooking some lunch for themselves, proceeded to throw a temper tantrum. Literally. She threw everything that had been on the counter onto the floor of the other room, including the fax machine and the rice bucket. Coincidentally, the fax machine doesn't work anymore because there's rice in it.
Anyways. Jer and I went over to clean up, and got it accomplished about 20 mins before I had to get ready for work. We watched some lame tv show for twenty minutes, then I started getting ready for work. Went to work, got there at 5. Was doing my happy QSS job, talking to people, ect. Came back into the kitchen to grab some more food to go out and heard a massive sound of glass breaking in the salad bar prep area, followed by james the salad bar guy screaming "Just stay the fuck away from me. I'm not going to put up with your bullshit any more"
Then he realized that he'd half severed all of his fingers by punching through the front of the salad bar refridgerator. Blood and glass everywhere. All the food in there contaminated with one or the other. Granted that salad bar was instantly fired and that he needed to be hospitalized, I had to take salad bar. host was pulled down to QSS, server pulled down to host, everyone short handed, emotionally shell shocked, and freaking out because nothing was accomplishable in the short amount of time that was available. I had people ask for ranch dressing, and when I told them it would be a minute because I needed to get them sides of ranch since our pitchers were full of glass and blood, they actually yelled at me. They yelled at me because I didn't want them to eat glass. Coincidentally, I also found out that a bar around here has an HIV positive cook. scary.
Anyways, so once I salvaged what had been lidded from the fridge and moved it to the walk in, then organized the walk in so that it was possible to find things in it, I lied and said that since I'd gotten used to leaving around ten, I'd made plans for elleven and so couldn't close the salad bar. But suprizingly enough, not only were they not mad at me, they're offering to owe me dinner for helping out, and thanking me for what I did. Do they normally have employees who are uncooperative even when its clear that helping is the only right thing to do?
No idea.
So, emotionally drained, I came back to the school, and went and sat in lindsays room for a while cuz I thought I heard mallory get back. Lindsay and I had a good conversation, mallory got back, and so we went to the reef. When we were checking out , we remarked to oliver the waiter, jeez its slammed tonight. and he said "It's one in the morning. Don't you people sleep?"
So sleep we did. Then we set our clocks back, and mallory and I went shopping for more props for the terrible play (They still are taking double time to do a run through and they open on thursday) and then we dropped in to holly nails for pedicures and manicures.
Pretty sure that was heaven. A lot of the time, I feel like an intruder that the nail people have to get rid of, but at this place they just pampered the hell out of me. fanfreaking tastic.
Anyways, jer called and wanted to drop by before football practice, so I said heck yeah and he dropped by and knocked on my window. I opened the door, arms open for a hug or a kiss, and he walked right past me, hand pulling his hair, to lean against the back wall. Whereupon he said "She's leaving us. That goddamn bitch is leaving."
I thought he was going to cry.
I gave him a hug, and he told me more about how she's leaving because "obviously no one cares" about what she cares about (i.e., house cleaning) and so "No one loves her" and all the while jer's saying "It's hard to love someone that isn't ever there."
Anyways, he went to football practice cuz he needed to hit something and I got ready for work and went to work. I was by myself till probably 6, when I started training the new girl, whom I dont like. She's got a real air of "geez, I'm miring myself in muck and I'm so much better than this" which kinda makes me want to rub mashed potatoes in her hair.
anways, after the longest four hour shift I've ever had in my life, I went to jers and watched terrible tv with him and his dad until jer got tired, and then I slept over.Probably will for the next week. Someone needs to keep the laundry going and to cook and clean for a week or so, until they're allowed to settle back into bachelorism. I can't beleive the woman. After all the fuss she made about moving into the barracks, she came back last night and made calvin sleep on the couch (keep in mind that the man has two broken legs) and said something like gotta wash and pack all of my clothes waiting for my paycheck, something inane like that. I hope she knows that she's compleltely alienated both of her children, and that calvin is broken hearted. I'm not sure how they're going to live, since calvin currently can't work (hello, broken legs). Jer says that it says a lot about her character, that she's ready to leave when her family is the weakest.
Goddamn bitch.
So here I am at 8:30 in the morning, getting ready to go to class and trying to figure out how things are going to work.
Gee, isn't adulthood everything it's cracked up to be?
I'll probably end up taking a few extra shifts to help out and stuff...

Posted at 08:38 am by obsidian
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Thursday, November 01, 2007
this morning’s lecture is on...


I'd like to remark upon a subject that seems to be around every corner these days:

Passive Aggressive Bullshit.

Wikipedia refers to Passive Aggresive behavior as "passive, sometimes obstructionist resistance to following authoritative instructions in interpersonal or occupational situations. It can manifest itself as resentment, stubbornness, procrastination, sullenness, or repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is assumed, often explicitly, to be responsible .Alternatively, leaving notes to avoid face-to-face discussion/confrontation, is another form of passive-aggressive behavior."

If there is one thing I cannot Stand in this world, it is people who are incapable of informing me of a problem in any way but passive aggresively. If you think I am too loud, come out and tell me. I'll be happy to move elsewhere, quiet down, or otherwise accommodate you. If you wait till the next morning, get up before everyone else, and leave a note telling me that "guests are supposed to be out of the apartment at 9 pm" I'm more inclined to throw a kegger and light firecrackers.

Or how bout people who decide to say "I completely and totally disrespect you and anything you have to say" by repeatedly ignoring requests like "Hey, I need my computer, I'm getting ready to leave" or "It's your night to take out the garbage, please remember to put it by the curb"? Passive Aggressive Bullshit.

Some more Passive Aggressive Bullshit are the guilt trippers of this world. Guilt tripping is a method by which people who are incapable of letting other people be happy get people to do things. Guilt trippers are the people who tell you to have a Happy Halloween, and are sure that you're going to have more fun because you're going to go out and do something instead of spending the night like them, sitting sad and all alone. They're the kind of people that will tell you that you're a terrible person because something came up and had to be taken care of, even if they were told before the time of supposed meeting that something came up.  These people are selfish, and prefer to avoid outright confrontation by trying to make you feel as bad as they possibly can instead of just saying "hey, we should reschedule" or "I'm lonely, pass me some love"
Eugh. Instant loss of respect for the guilt trippers.

Why do we allow passive aggresive bullshit?
 Though we all know that aggressive behavior is occuring, there's no real agravant to react At. It's hard to tell a note off, or to have a conversation with someone who wont talk to you.

There are ways to deal with these sort of things in a non passive aggressive bullshit type of way! There is hope, folks! If someone is being too noisy, come out and say "Hey, I'm trying to sleep/study/ect, can you guys take the party elsewhere" Don't leave a freaking note. If you really dislike someone so much that you can't even handle the slightest bit of polite for them, even if they're related to you, guess what? Saying so or even punching someone is more acceptable than acting like a spoiled pretentious brat. If you're feeling lonely, say so. Don't try to make everyone else feel bad for having a good time. Especially when you had a choice- you could have gone out, you could have gone somewhere.

Don't damn the world for your own choices.

People will respond a hell of a lot better to you when you're not acting like a passive aggressive Ass. You will be suprised at how very accomodating people will be if you don't try to lay a guilt trip on them and instead just ask for help.  Likewise, dealing with a problem As its happening is much more effective than waiting until after the fact and writing bullshit "statements" that are just as confrontational as coming out and screaming at people, with none of the satisfaction.

You have a responsibility as a decent human being to stop being so goddamn Passive Aggressive- because the rest of the world has the right to function without that crap.

Posted at 10:36 am by obsidian
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Wednesday, October 31, 2007
when the right thing to do is also the hardest thing to admit to


I have a teacher. He's an excellant teacher. He's very good at explaining the concepts in an understandable manner. I would argue that I've learned more from this teacher in the past year than I did in all of my high school music classes combined.
This teacher is hitting on me. Hardcore. I am uncomfortable.
In fact, I was just over talking to him about the processional of the carols, and how I was looking for a pianist to play Santa Baby, for me- and he remarked that he couldn't wait to see the costume for that. When I said that it would be long and warm, because it's been so cold, he said, aw well. No need to see the costume then.
He told one of his morning classes (today, dressed up as ozzy osbourne) that he was a man having a midlife crisis.
He's made a good deal of innapropriate jokes to me.
And I'm not sure what to do.
Because he really is a very good teacher
Because these jokes have been going on for three weeks
Because I'm so uncomfortable...
It literally makes me want to take a shower to scrub off the dirty feeling these jokes and innappropriate remarks leave.

Posted at 04:23 pm by obsidian
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Monday, October 29, 2007
walking in the dark builds character.

Yesterday jer and I got into such a huge fight that when he silently dropped me off at the school I took off walking with no destination in mind, knowing only that I'd get as far as I could before someone stopped me.
I do that a lot. Move towards an away that isn't a direction as much as it is a concept.
An hour later I was in olympia, no longer mad, but cold and hurt and tired. I stopped at an albertsons and called him not only because I was realizing how terribly stupid it was for me to walk that far in the dark by myself to begin with, but because a while ago we made promises to never go to bed angry.
He came down, angry that I'd walked that far, and we sat in his car, uncomfortably silent. Not knowing where we'd come from, where we were. How we'd managed to come from an incredible time at the corn maze to screaming at eachother on I-5, to being angry enough to even think "well damnit, I'll show him/her".
We talked in stilted sentances, staring blankly at the stoplights that cycled their colors across the sidewalk and road from the car.
I hate fighting out loud.
I cannot process Anything in words alone. I need notebook paper, the safety of my keyboard, anything with a "you have to think before you talk" button. We started driving, angry again becuase I was having such a hard time talking.
I had a small mental breakdown, collapsing in tears, folding over, throwing up. Not really throwing up so much as dry heaves. Pork and beans don't stick around for too long, it appears.
Jer found me some paper. held my hair for me.
I don't know where we're going.
But I know we're going together.
Even though things are hard right now.
They'll get better.
Even though I think he'd have a better life with more opportunities without me, he still wants me and damn my selfishness, I'm not going to let go as long as he still loves me.
He thinks that he has to do something to make himself "worthy" of me. I don't know why anyone would even want to be around me. He says I make his life better, that I inspire him.
I guess then, my best effort is to make his life more than he ever dreamed, to be his muse and his encouragement.
We went to dairy queen after I stopped throwing up, he took care of me. We drove to the school parking lot and sat there for a while. His car got uncomfortable and we went into my room, laid on my bed all wrapped together and we fought and cried and held eachother some more.
It seems so unfair.
But even though right now we're slightly less than happy on average, it'll get better. We'll be ok.
I know this because we truly love one another. And each of us will truly sacrifice whatever we need to sacrifice to make this work.
I know this because without the other, neither of us exist.
Life isn't always rainbows, and butterflies- it's compromise that moves us along.
I will be his lawfully wedded wife....for richer, for poorer. In sickness, and in health. Through the good times and the bad. Wherever he leads, I'll follow. His people will be my people. Where he dies, there I'll fall and be buried as well. His dreams are my goals and my dreams are his goals.

This irrevocable bond I swear so long as we both shall live.

because I aint a quitta, yo.

Posted at 07:25 am by obsidian
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Sunday, October 28, 2007
exoskeletons are cool.

exoskeletons are cool.

my lack of a numpad killed my thought process.

not that it was really "All-there" to begin with.
I've been awake since 9am. I didn't even get out of bed until 10:00.  I didn't leave my room till 2:30.
I had pork-n-beans for lunch, and found it vaguely disturbing that there were no pieces of pork in the mix.
There are way too many gansta rap songs on my iTunes.
My chem lab is done, but I haven't started my math homework yet.
I need to set up the couch and also I need to do laundry, hardcore. sad times, yo. I would be out of clothes right now if jer hadn't found a pair of my pants at his house, indubitably left during a free laundry session. I like free laundry, but it just takes sooo long to do laundry in only one machine.
The microwave is too slow sometimes, too.
Damn the capitalist american lodged inside of my hurry-up-and-serve-me-mind.

I'm going to the corn maze tonight with jerith. ^_^ it'll be fun. I like corn mazes.

It's so freaking cold outside. I had two heaters in my room for a while, and I'm still cold.
Socks and gloves pour moi, por favor.
After I get paid. on tuesday.
I need food too. We're running out.
Despite the fact that I eat nasty, calorie loaded foods and haven't been to the gym in two months, I've still lost weight. Yay college. If we weren't students, I'd think that we were all anorexic.  

Posted at 03:32 pm by obsidian
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Monday, October 22, 2007
guh, stereotypes

I hate stereotypes, because they do not fit individuals. However, life is beginning to instill in me a stereotype for hawaiians.
They are
-self centered
-socially awkward
And quite frankly, I don't like it.
I just need to meet One freaking hawaiian who doesn't fit this stereotype. You'd think it would be easy, on a campus containing such a high percentage of hawaiians.
But so far, no luck.
Is it a true stereotype?
All I know is that if my hawaiian appartment mate tells me one more time that she doesn't care for my health or wellbeing at all, and then does passive aggressive bullshit about me not being considerate, I'd like to enact some physical harm on her.

Posted at 04:44 pm by obsidian
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Friday, October 19, 2007
new house? new home?

life is complicated.
I was driving home in this driving rain, taking turns that I've long memorized. I use the short cuts that the locals know, even the bitchy ones like the extra lane in sherwood.
martin way onramp to 1-5, 1-5 to 99w...then
I took hwy 18, because I always do.
I took the second exit to mcminnville, because I always do.

And once I got to the stop sign, I realized that I don't live there anymore.
And I cried, but only a little bit.
So I drove back to mom's store and popped in to use the restroom and also to follow her to this place I've never been before that I'm now supposed to refer to as home.
And I guess it is home. My family is here. It doesn't feel weird to rummage through closets or to hang out in my pajamas. I felt totally ok ditching my keys, phone, and wallet on the table. My jacket is in the entryway closet.
The furniture fits better into this new house. It looks Classy, with that capital C. It looks a little like Grandma's...but I wont tell mom that.
I just don't know about this place.
It doesn't feel like home.
It doesn't feel like I live here.
And I don't. So maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it'll help me move out more completely. Help me compartmentalize my life between my family and my husband to be a bit more.
I'm just not too sure about this place.
I don't have to be.

(your forever indecisive)

Posted at 09:30 pm by obsidian
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Name: Alicia
Hometown: McMinnville
Status: disillusioned

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